Green.

My body aches.

That walk today morphed into something more. I had no idea what was going to happen.

I walked with them everywhere around town. We went into shops and everything.

However, the course veered off into the unknown.

But it was everything I've known.

The forest weaves with paths seen and unseen,
yet I've seen them all.

I couldn't stop moving through it. And I never wanted to leave.

Its my save haven.

Every day, I pray for complete peace. Somewhere to be when I can't seem to intake any breath. And today, I achieved in my search for that perfect place, that safe haven.

If they weren't with me, I would have broken down.

The ground laden with wet misgivings and misfortune- the toil and misunderstanding I've had to endure for all of my days on this earth, and possibly more.

You won't understand.

I don't expect you to.

But know this. I won't be in this town for much longer.

I plan on leaving, because I cannot and will not bear these people.

I have to go.

I'm dying.

















Every second we all get closer to death. But I feel like what's left of the human inside me is dying. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't feel. The littlest things affect me in the most unconventional, strange ways.

Everything.

Contrary to the title, I cannot tell you everything. I cannot tell you what I feel, or want to feel, or how I feel at this very moment. It's just so damn hard.

Firstly, High School is irrelevant to anything. I don't feel like we're learning the right things enough to be sufficient in anything. The teachers don't know what's really going on, and don't know what the education system's doing to them.

I will not criticize people though, for fear of higher powers.

Anyway,

Sometimes I feel like I'm in an enclosed box.

I used to deal with this in Junior High by becoming depressed and looking for a better life-
the life I read in novels.

For some unknown reason, I always wanted to be that heroin.

It's the little things that set me off- like watching a simple movie, or reading some popular superhero novel. You don't know how much I yearned for something like that.


It's hard for me to share things with you, because I cannot give you the whole story. If I gave you the whole story, I'd be in trouble.

However, I can tell you the things about myself.

Starting from the little things,

I don't know what it is about guys. I don't like girls, that's for sure, but.. for some reason, I can't find the right one. It sounds terrible, but none of them seem sufficient, and I don't know why. I can't have a high school relationship because I can't like any of the guys enough to actually want to date them- or at least follow through with them.

When the post-talking stage begins, then comes the yelling.

I've been called many, many horrible names from people, been called out on so many uncalled things, and I fear I am becoming a bad person for ignoring them.
But I can't help it.

High school, in general, is just a big joke. I feel like I'm wasting my time.

Most people don't get me. I'm abstruse, and they just don't understand that the perky, excited persona I put on is just a cover-up. Not that I'm fake, it's just that I'm only showing you ten percent of me. The other ninety percent I'm just keeping to myself. The part that most of you will never see.

What most people don't know about me is that I'm highly spiritual. I'm not saying that I'm a devout catholic who goes to church every Sunday and sings hymns with powerful gusto, while praying for eight hours straight at a time- but I'm not sure you'll understand what I explain. But I'm going to try to explain it in the best way that I can.
You'll think I'm crazy, but here goes:

Meditation. I do believe in it. When I do meditate, it brings me to a whole new world entirely, somewhere far better than here. I'm not saying that I don't love this life, because it has its ups and downs, I'm just saying that this is just a temporary stop over the course of our real lives where we may have to suffer a bit before we get to the next haven with the knowledge we have now learned.

Again, you may not understand this, but I can only give you my best description.

I can't stand it.

I hate this. I need you, and I want you.

Yet everything we've been through, everything we've done, means nothing to you. At all.

I need some closure. I need to believe. There was something there.

And there may still be.

I hope with my whole heart, being, and soul that there's still something there we can work off of, something we can use to bring us together yet again.

I hate not being around you, taking in your every breath, every word.

Because, I know I could have loved you. I know. And it kills me every day that we could have had something so damn beautiful. While not everything may have been perfect, I would have had you. And you, me. And I wished, and prayed, every single day for something to happen.

It never did.

Your little signs and hints were never taken lightly, and my life always seemed so relevant to yours.
I need closure, yet I can' t ask you for it. Because you won't give it to me. Its pointless.

Your face used to bring me joy, and the comfort of knowing that you'd be there in the end.

But you weren't.

And I have to face this every single day.

You chose her.

And I have to live with that.

I would list every single thing you've shown me
every little detail

but that would take days to write.

And I guess I don't have that much time.

I miss you.

I miss all of the days we shared
and what you told me
and what we did

but its gone now.

I still hold onto it, but do you?

You.

This is all about you. I know. Why am I wasting my time on you? You're a douche. I can't believe what you've done. Although, it wasn't even bad at all. It just hurt. Bad. Every time I see your face in the halls, I question myself. What was it about me that wasn't good enough for you?

What is it that made you choose her?


That, I may never know. Though it haunts my dreams and follows me everywhere.
I miss seeing your face in front of mine- those vibrant, sparkling blue eyes and sandy-blonde hair.
I miss envisioning our relationship from start to finish, and every little nook and cranny in-between.

Sometimes, there was no finish.

But what I never knew was that you didn't seem to want to start.
"Afraid of a relationship" is what I heard over, and over again, and it resonated with me.
Because I, too, am deathly afraid of a relationship.

But I thought we could be afraid together.

Clearly, you wanted someone more mundane. More like the rest of them. I'd say "I get that", but I really don't. If I was in your position, I'd want something different- something other than the abundant high school girls you seem to gravitate towards.

I hate how I think she's somehow better than me.

What happened to all the signs? All the thoughts I had in my head, and all of those things that told me, "I like you"?

Because, in the end, I know I could have loved you.

But you never let me. You led me on, and it hurt in the end. Love sucks, but it sucks even more when you know something wonderful could have happened.

I wish this wasn't over, and we still had a chance.

People

Everything I do, or say has a lasting effect on something, somehow. I can't describe it, but all I can say is that the feeling sucks. I don't know who's reading this, or if anyone will ever even read this, but all I can say is that- this is not some happy pappy string of nothings about how my day was, or what exciting chain of events happened to me today. No. Its something much, much different.

You live in my neighborhood- I knew that. But you probably didn't know vice versa. I hate how you flirt, and touch without actually flirting or touching. I hate how you don't seem to realize that I'm right here, and I want you too.

I pass by your house when I take those long walks to contemplate my thoughts. I live to please, I please to live. However, seeing you just puts up a red flag- what is he thinking? Why is he ignoring me? And I hate it. I wish we could just have a normal relationship, except-

I absolutely HATE normalcy.

The average guy doesn't cut it for me. And I'm not so sure that you're an average guy. Maybe you are, but I don't know that. Yet.

I'm so sick of not knowing, and being stuck in the same place. Knowing me, I always have to excel- I yearn to climb higher.

I can see how you act around me- the little hints you give out, however subtle. But you don't know that I want it badly, maybe even more than you do.

Back to Basics

Facebook: The average young person's life.

Lets FACE it. You love Facebook. It is your entire social life. Either that, or you're the old lady with the five cats or the "family" guy who only has one to keep in touch with your loved ones halfway around the country. If you don't have a Facebook, then you've obviously been living under a rock for the past 5 years, or you're extremely weird.

 In any case, I have to say, I've been extremely obsessive over facebook lately. I've been checking my account ever 4 hours or so a day, and becoming a little OCD over what's in my bio or how many pages I've liked. And I know, you're probably saying, "Who is this creep? Can't she just learn to get a life?" And don't get me wrong, I totally get your point, but I mean, what else is there to do when you're out of school during summer vacation with no car, no job, and no one around. Lame, I know.

But here's my point: Don't you get at least a little excited when you check your account and you have, lets say, 11 notifications, a message, and 3 friend requests? And even though your friend requests may be from "Snooki", "DJ Pauly D", or "Chang Lee" from Indonesia, or your creepy pedophile neighbor just down the street, you can't help but be a little excited that someone took the time to go to your page and click the "request friend" button. Even if they used the friend finder machine, they still saw your picture, and all of your mutual friends, they still decided you were worthy (or they were worthy) enough for you to become 'facebook pals' even though the only contact you'll probably have is the liking of statuses. 

Same goes with messages and notifications. You might get the occasional "Yo. Wuz up hot Tee?" from that creepy guito dude, hell, maybe even an awkward chat box conversation! But whatever. At least they thought you were hot enough to "chat up".

But I mean, What is that? Like, does any thought go through their miniscule little brains that says, "Hey, I don't know this chick, so maybe I should actually know something more than her first name, what bands she likes, and who her fake siblings are". Because lets face it, we've all gotten our fair share of, "How old are you?" and you say "Why?" and they say, "I just wanted to see how old you were to see if we could start talking." I mean, did it ever occur to them that maybe that was a mutual decision? That they don't get to make that decision by themselves, because hell, there is another person involved in the equation here. And doesn't it cross their mind that maybe, just maybe they're coming off just a liiittle bit creepy. Nope. Its all completely normal apparently.

Well, not sure where this was originally going, I think I'm going to hit the sack now. As a guito or wangster would say, "Keep it fresh, keep it real." (SO lame.)